TRIGGER WARNING – DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE

President’s Message  September 2024

BY DBA PRESIDENT ANNIE MARTÍNEZ

September is such an important month for me: it’s the start of fall, and my 1st and 2nd favorite people have birthdays this month (my spouse and my brother). We celebrate the start of Latine, or Hispanic, Heritage Month (more on that later), and it is also Suicide Awareness/Prevention Month. While seemingly unrelated, for me, they aren’t.

I am a first-generation American and a child of Cuban refugees. Growing up Cuban has been such an important aspect of my identity; the grit and tenacity, the never-ending beat of a bongo drum driving in one’s veins, the spirit to hustle and never quit… it’s in our culture, our DNA. But for a while there, “never quitting” was affecting me in a way I wasn’t expecting.

According to the CDC, in 2022, over 49,000 people died by suicide, and 1.6 million attempted it. Twice in my life, I was one of those who attempted. Both times I selected a manner that gave me a “cover,” a way I truly believed people would think it was an accident. I couldn’t bear the thought of my family thinking I had chosen this, chosen to leave them.

Both attempts stemmed from failures in my life. Failures I was not able to truly process. The first was after the failure of my first marriage and medical school. I had attended almost 2 years of medical school in the Caribbean. I was good at it, but I also struggled a lot. On my last semester, my spouse and I split up right before the winter holidays, and he left.  Shortly after that my mother was hospitalized – the kind of visit you don’t always make it back from. I took leave from medical school without permission to be with her in the hospital. To be with my family.

As the eldest daughter in an immigrant family, I had to be home. My father and brother could not navigate the situation my mom was in, and I couldn’t bear to not be with my mother, whose survival was not guaranteed. When I told the school this, the Dean’s response was “You better get used to this, or maybe you aren’t cut out to be a doctor. Maybe you don’t really want this. The career comes before everything, including family.” I left anyway and received word that I had been dismissed right before Christmas.

I was also told I could appeal, which I did, and technically I prevailed, but for the Dean, who pulled me aside and said “You know, even though the committee voted to reinstate you, I just don’t see you as a doctor. I don’t think this is for you. You have enough left in student loans… why don’t you go and try something else.” This was the rationale this man gave me as he stripped away the dreams of myself and my entire family. Something that I had worked towards my entire life.

And so, I came back home to Miami… and a bit later in the beginning of that year, I took action, hoping to not wake up.

But wake up I did… I never told anyone at the time what caused the incident, I came up with some cover story and never really spoke of it. It was that same year that I would start law school, and I found a new drive. I made it through the program with no attempts during those three years.

After law school, I relocated to Denver to start anew, to build a career and a life for myself, but it was not easy. In those first few years here, I struggled to find work, I failed the bar exam my first try, endured a second failed marriage, and during my first job became unhoused and couch-surfed, or slept in my car, for almost two months. While these stressors didn’t all happen at the same time, they accumulated, and I doubted myself. I fell into that cycle of dark thoughts where every failure added up to me not deserving to be here. One random evening, when I couldn’t shake off that intrusive thought, I tried again.

After both attempts, I didn’t seek out therapy or talk to anyone about it. I attribute that partially to growing up Latine. While suicide for Latinos/Hispanics has continued to rise since 2000, there is minimal discussion of mental health struggles in the community. Discussing or even acknowledging mental health is stigmatized, it is a sign of weakness, or “white people stuff.” Particularly for the one who has the “glory” and burden of achieving the American dream your parents fought so hard for.

My mom came to the US at the age of ten, the family fleeing domestic violence at the hands of my grandfather. She had to take care of herself and her brother while my grandmother worked multiple jobs and took English classes in Chicago. My dad is a “Marielito” and came to the US around 19 years old via the Mariel boatlift with the clothes on his back and completely alone. My parents survived and gave my siblings and me a life to be treasured; the opportunity to achieve more than they could. The duty to achieve more than they could. How could I not appreciate that; appreciate all they went through? What the hell could be so bad in my life for me to be so sad about!?

While I haven’t had any attempts since that last incident almost a decade ago, I still struggled with the same depression, stress, and anxiety that many attorneys do. In fact, studies throughout the decades have demonstrated that lawyers are disposed to mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, all of which present strong links to suicide risk. One nationwide study of approximately 13,000 lawyers reported that 28% experienced depression, 19% reported anxiety, 21% had alcohol use problems, and 11% had problems with drug use. High levels of stress are also associated with the profession, which is a known predictor of suicide risk, as is loneliness, which is also often seen in our profession. It wasn’t until COVID and the lockdown that I sought out intensive treatment, and it has worked wonders (if anyone is interested in what I did, don’t hesitate to reach out). It’s been many years now without so much as a thought, and I am truly so happy that I did and that I am still alive.

I don’t tell these stories to seek out attention or pity. Frankly, for a long time, I was ashamed and didn’t share any of this. I am sure many people who have known me for years will read this and be a hearing of it for the first time. I share it with the hopes that it helps even one person to reconsider. Our local legal community has been hit with suicides from students as well as practitioners. A study published in 2023 reported that lawyers are TWICE as likely as other adults in the U.S. to contemplate suicide. The profession is hard, and it is typically considered a badge of honor to be stressed, but it shouldn’t be. Our local bar communities are dedicated to wellness, and we continue to grow and strengthen our efforts in these spaces. Part of turning these statistics around is sharing our stories and being vulnerable with one another with the hopes that none of us ever feel so alone and desperate that suicide looks like the only way out.

In those eras of my life, I felt so lost and like such a failure that I was unable to see anything positive ahead of me. But with treatment, I was able to pull myself out. Now I see the world and life for the complicated, beautiful thing that it is. As Celia Cruz sang, “La Vida Es un Carnaval y las penas se van cantando.”

I am so glad that I failed, and that I am still here with all of you, and I want all of you to still be here with me.

– Annie Martínez  

*If you or someone you know is or appears to be struggling with depression or suicidal ideation, please reach out to the resources available. They are anonymous. Some are listed below.  

REFERENCES

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