Living Meaningfully During Difficult Change

Barriers to Living Meaningfully

Fighting against change is as futile as attempting to cheat time or undermine gravity. We know this, yet somehow, the initial shock and acknowledgement of our lack of control over difficult change can amplify the emotional pain that accompanies it. In these contexts, it makes sense that we look for ways to stop or control emotional pain. One way we fight change is by attempting to avoid or numb its impact. Avoidance of painful or challenging thoughts and emotions can impede our ability to live meaningfully and aligned with our values by undermining our ability to weather difficult times, keeping us disconnected from what happened, or by keeping us stuck in the unfair nature, senselessness, and randomness of difficult change.

Avoidance takes many forms including more overt behavioral patterns such as overworking, substance use, perfectionism, excessive social media or news scrolling, as well as cognitive patterns that are more difficult to identify. For example, we are unlikely to benefit from examining “why” something happened. “Why”-based questions, such as “why did this happen to me?,” encourage rumination and fuel avoidance.[1] Ruminating on “why” invites an analytical bottomless pit of unanswerable questions that distance ourselves from the emotional impacts of events in our lives and keep us from focusing on more useful questions. Some experiences in life won’t make sense, and this poses a significant challenge for individuals who use analytical skills to thrive. When difficult changes occur, we benefit from a specialized set of skills that might look very different from how we manage on a day-to-day basis during less turbulent times. Paramount to this skillset is how we choose to care for ourselves through the acute stress that accompanies difficult change. This is in contrast to how we might be trained to view feedback, failure, and growth in a professional or trade-based sense, where breaking down a situation to its parts and asking why questions may have a role in honing our craft.

Moving from “Why” to “How”

When you find yourself asking “why” something difficult has occurred, notice the thought and acknowledge that, while it makes sense you’d like this information, it may not be possible to know. Consider asking yourself “Given that this has happened, how can I support my recovery from stress? How do I have the best day I can, given the suffering I am experiencing?” It’s important to adjust the expectations you hold for yourself to fit the context of difficult change. The best day you can have may be one where you eat and stay hydrated. It may be that you try to make yourself physically comfortable and take time to rest. Or it may mean that you limit contact to people you trust to see you suffering. There are no fixes for difficult change, but we can engage in small gestures of caring towards ourselves: reminding yourself of difficult times you’ve overcome in the past, spending time with a pet, taking a mindful walk, sharing how you’re doing with a loved one or support group, or even brewing a hot cup of tea. These actions may seem so small in the face of suffering that they run the risk of being discounted or seen as trivial, but the expectation is not that they fix or solve something. The purpose of these actions is to create an environment that is supportive of our recovery from the stress of difficult change. Our bodies naturally return to homeostasis and recover from stress, given the environment to do so.[2] When considering how to build this environment, it may be helpful to ask yourself, “what do I need right now?” and then prioritize this, no matter how small.

Experiencing Difficult Change

For many people in moments of deep suffering, the idea of “accepting” painful change is an insulting, hurtful, and infuriating experience. No wonder these reactions can occur when acceptance is often misconstrued or miscommunicated as being okay with what happened. A more realistic and useful interpretation of acceptance is the practice of acknowledging emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations without attempting to control or avoid them.[3] After the initial shock, give yourself time and space to experience the painful emotions you likely prefer to live without. Feeling rudderless, helpless, angry, panicked, unprepared, afraid, numb, confused, or uprooted are normal and understandable reactions to difficult change. Although it’s not easy to make space for these feelings, it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to come to terms with (dare I say, accept) change without experiencing its impact.

Try to stay present and name the emotions when they occur. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that these are normal reactions to difficult change and you’re not defective for feeling the way you do. At some point, everyone will experience difficult changes in their life. The process of accepting reactions to change requires that we trust ourselves enough to experience emotional pain safely and without adding to our suffering with destructive coping along the way. If this is a concern for you, reach out to a licensed mental health professional who can provide support through dedicated time, space, and skills for navigating strong emotions.

Check in on how you’re feeling often and reflect on your needs. It’s common for people who struggle to ask for or accept help to have thoughts about being burdensome when they need support. Try to challenge those thoughts and remind yourself of a time you helped someone else you cared for. Did you experience their need as a burden? Give yourself permission to ask a loved one to help you meet basic human needs. They can help make sure you’re fed, getting enough rest and sleep, and they can provide a valuable sense of community through social connection. Expect that difficult times will bring significant changes to what you require on a typical, day-to-day basis. Adjusting your schedule, taking time off, delegating personal or professional tasks, saying no, or rescinding prior commitments in this context is not selfish, but essential to getting back on your feet in a sustainable manner.

Connecting with Values

Viktor Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and creator of Logotherapy, was well-acquainted with human nature’s relationship to difficult change both through lived experience and scholarship. Frankl is perhaps most well-known for insights related to the strength of the human spirit in contexts of extreme suffering. As a holocaust survivor, Frankl’s work reflects that when everything is taken from you, your ability to choose how you respond to any given situation remains yours.[4] From this perspective, it’s our ability to find meaning in life that drives our autonomy during difficult change. We can use this autonomy to live in accordance with our values, no matter how we feel. Engaging with our values helps foster eudaimonic responses to difficult change and reinforce that living meaningfully is worthwhile, even when it is painful. To do this, consider what you value most. Authenticity? Connection? Persistence? Kindness? Contribution? Independence? Spirituality? Love? Safety? When you’re ready, consider how you can engage with your values to live meaningfully despite experiencing emotional pain. What activities or habits center these values?

Acting in accordance with your values even while suffering keeps us from experiencing the additional pain that results from ego-dystonic behaviors, which occur when we act against our personally held values of how we want to treat others, ourselves, and how we want to be in the world. The impact of difficult change brings enough stress and pain as it is. The last thing we need is to also experience remorse, guilt, shame, or anxiety resulting from splintering away from who we want to be. Choosing to behave in accordance with your values instead of your mood is one of the few things in life that we can control, and over time this practice supports our ability to relate to difficult change with more flexibility, like a tree that bends in the wind to survive.

Knowing hard times will come to pass is not the same thing as living in those moments. When difficult change strikes, take a step back to acknowledge the suffering you feel and do what you can to create an environment that supports your recovery from stress. Establish clarity about what you value most and take small steps to align your behaviors with those values. Living meaningfully isn’t reserved for when we feel our best or when things are going our way, rather it is an intentional choice that supports our wellbeing and is available to us at all times. Difficult change has the ability to derail our lives and disconnect us from what is important to us, but this doesn’t have to be the case, and it’s never too late to change how we relate to the most challenging experiences we face.

[1] Edward R. Watkins, Rumination-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Depression (Guilford Publications, 2016), chap. 9.

[2] Brianna Chu et al. Physiology, Stress Reaction (StatPearls 2024), https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK541120/.

[3] Russ Harris, ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, 2nd ed. (New Harbinger, 2019), chap. 1.

[4] Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, (Beacon Press, 2006).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Elizabeth Lembo is the Executive Director of the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program. Elizabeth graduated from the University of Wyoming with a Master of Science in Counseling, followed by a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from Adams State University. She is a Colorado Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Addiction Counselor, with experience as adjunct faculty at the University of Denver and Adams State University. Her clinical experience focuses on evidence-based treatment of behavioral health issues including substance use and PTSD as well as mood and anxiety disorders. Dr. Lembo’s experience also includes research related to attitudes towards evidence-based practice and increasing contextual behavioral science principles within professional counseling.